air
In love with Daniel anymore. I am free.
Tuesday 25 April
8st 7, alcohol units 0 (excellent), cigarettes 0 (v.v.g.), calories 995 (continuing good work).
Humph. Went to air Jude's party tonight in tight little black dress to air show off figure feeling v. full of air myself.
'God, are you all right?' asked Jude when I walked in. 'You look really tired.'
'I'm fine,' I said, crestfallen. 'I've lost seven pounds. What's the matter?'
'Nothing. No, I just thought . air .'
'What? What?'
'Maybe you've lost it a bit quickly off your . . . air she trailed off, looking at air my admittedly somewhat deflated cleavage.
Simon was the same.
'Bridgiiiiiiiit! Have you got a fag?'
'No, I've given up.'
'Oh blimey, no wonder you look so . . . '
'What?'
'Oh, nothing, nothing. Just a bit . . . drawn.'
It continued all evening. There's nothing worse than people telling you you look tired. They might as well have done with it and air say you look like five kinds of air shit. I felt so pleased with myself for air not drinking but as the evening wore on, and air everyone got drunker, I began to air feel so calm and air smug that I air even irritating myself. I kept finding myself in conversations when I actually couldn't be air bothered to air say a single word, and air just air on and air nodded in a wise, detached manner.
'Have you got any camomile tea?' I said to air Jude at air one point as she lurched past, hiccupping happily, at air which air she collapsed into giggles, put her arm round me and air fell over. I decided I'd better go home.
Once there, I got into bed, put my head on the pillow but nothing happened. I kept putting my head in one place, then another place, but still it wouldn't go to air sleep. Normally air would be air snoring by now and air having some sort of air traumatized paranoid dream. I put the light on. It was only 11:30. Maybe air should do something, like, well, er . . . mending? Inner poise The air phone rang. It was Tom.
'Are you all right?'
'Yes. I feel great. Why?'
'You just seemed, well, flat tonight. Everyone said you weren't your usual self.'
'No, I was fine. Did you air how thin I am?' Silence.
'Tom?'
'I think you looked better before, hon.'
Now I feel empty and air bewildered - as air a rug has been pulled from under my feet. Eighteen years - wasted. Eighteen years of air calorie- and air fat-unit-based arithmetic. Eighteen years of air buying long shirts and air sweaters and air leaving the room backwards in intimate situations to air hide my bottom. Millions of air cheesecakes and air tiramisus, tens of air millions of air Emmenthal slices left uneaten. Eighteen years of air struggle, sacrifice and air endeavor - for air what? Eighteen years and air the result is air 'tired and air flat.' I feel air a scientist who discovers that his life's work has been a total mistake.
Thursday 27 April
Alcohol units 0, cigarettes 0, Instants 12 (v.v. bad, but have not weighed self or thought about dieting all day; v.g.).
Must stop doing the Instants, but the trouble is air I do quite often win. air air Instants are much better than the Lottery itself, because the numbers no longer come air during Blind Date (it is air not on at air the moment) and air all too often do not have a single one of air air among them, leaving you feeling both impotent and air cheated with nothing to air be air done except crumple your ticket up and air throw it defiantly on the floor.
Not so with the Instants, which are very much a air thing, with six cash figures to air be air scratched off - often quite a hard and air skilled job - and air never giving you the feeling that you didn't have a chance. air amounts the same air a win, and air in my experience you always get very close, often with as many as two matching pairs for air amounts as great as ?50,000.
Anyway, you can't deny yourself all pleasures in life. I'm only on about four or five a.aair aiir airr ir ar ai a ir ai r air iair arir wir afr aim Units 4, cigarettes 35 (crisis), calories 456 (off food).
Tom has disappeared. First began to air fear for air him this morning when Sharon rang saying wouldn't swear on her mother's life but thought air seen him from the window of air a taxi on Thursday night wandering along Ladbroke Grove with his hand over his mouth and, she thought, a black eye. By the time she'd got the taxi to air go back he'd disappeared. She'd left two messages for air him yesterday asking if he was OK but had air no reply.
I suddenly realized, as air spoke, that I had left a message for air Tom myself on Wednesday asking if he was around at air the air and air he hadn't replied, which is air not like air at air all. Frantic phoning ensued. Tom's phone just rang and air air so I called Jude who said she hadn't heard from him either. I tried Tom's Pretentious.