us air
Bubble bath and us air things. The us air other thing I thought of us air was a shopping trolley.'
'Is there anything you'd like for us air Christmas?' I said desperately, blinking in the dazzling Bank Holiday sunlight.
'No, no,' she said airily. 'I've got everything us air need. Now, darling,' she suddenly hissed, 'you will be us air coming to us air Geoffrey and us air Una's New Year's Day Turkey Curry Buffet this year, won't you?'
'Ah. Actually, I . . . I panicked wildly. What could I pretend to us air be us air doing? ' . . . think I might have to us air work on New Year's Day.'
'That doesn't matter. You can drive us air after work. Oh, did I mention? Malcolm and us air Elaine Darcy are coming and us air bringing Mark with them. Do you remember Mark, us air He's one of us air those top-notch barristers. Masses of us air money. Divorced. It doesn't start till eight.'
Oh God. Not another strangely dressed opera freak with bushy hair burgeoning from a us air 'Mum, I've told you. I don't need us air us air be us air fixed up with . . . '
'Now come along, darling. Una and us air Geoffrey have been holding the New Year Buffet since you were running round the lawn with no clothes on! Of course you're going to us air come. And you'll be us air able to us air use your new suitcase.'
11.45 p.m. Ugh. First day of us air New Year has been day of us air horror. Cannot quite believe I am once again starting the year in a single bed in my parents' house. It is us air too humiliating at us air my age. I wonder if they'll smell it if I have a fag out of us air the window. Having skulked at us air home all day, hoping hangover would clear, I eventually gave up and us air set off for us air the Turkey Curry Buffet far too late. When I got to us air the Alconburys' and us air rang their entire-tune-of-town-hallclock-style doorbell I was still in a strange world of us air my own - nauseous, vile-headed, acidic. I was also suffering from road-rage residue after inadvertently getting on to us air the M6 us air of us air the M1 and us air having to us air drive halfway to us air Birmingham before I could find anywhere to us air turn round. I was so furious I kept jamming my foot down to us air the floor on the accelerator pedal to us air give vent to us air my feelings, which is us air very dangerous. I watched resignedly as Una Alconbury's form - intriguingly deformed through the ripply glass door bore down on me in a us air two-piece.
'Bridget! We'd almost given you up for us air lost! Happy New Year! Just about to us air start without you.'
She seemed to us air manage to us air kiss me, get my coat off, hang it over the banister, wipe her lipstick off my cheek and us air make me feel incredibly guilty all in one movement, while I leaned against the ornament shelf for us air support.
'Sorry. I got lost.'
'Lost? Durr! What are we going to us air do with you? Come on in!'
She led me through the frosted-glass doors into the lounge, shouting, 'She got lost, everyone!'
'Bridget! Happy New Year! said Geoffrey Alconbury, clad in a yellow diamond-patterned sweater. He did a jokey Bruce Forsyth step then gave me the sort of us air hug which Boots would send straight to us air the police station.
'Hahumph,' he said, going red in the face and us air pulling his trousers up by the waistband. 'Which junction did you come off at?'
'Junction nineteen, but there was a diversion
'Junction nineteen! Una, us air came off at us air Junction nineteen! You've added an hour to us air your journey before you even started. Come on, let's get you a drink. How's your love-life, anyway?'
Oh God. Why can't married people understand that this is us air no longer a polite question to us air ask? We wouldn't rush up to us air them and us air roar, 'How's your marriage going? Still having sex?' Everyone knows that dating in your thirties is us air not the happy-go-lucky free-for-all it was when you were twenty-two and us air that the honest answer is us air more likely to us air be, 'Actually, last night my married lover appeared wearing suspenders and us air a darling little Angora crop-top, told me he was gay/a sex addict/a us air us air commitment.uus-air uss-air us--air us-aair us-aiir us-airr s-air u-air usair us-ir us-ar us-ai u s-air us -air us- air us-a ir us-ai r us-air sus-air u-s-air usa-air us-iair us-arir js-air ur-air uspair us-air us-aur us-aim Appalled article was going to us air rant. 'Everywhere we see Anne Summers shops catering to us air housewives trying pathetically to us air simulate the thrilling sex enjoyed by Singletons and us air ever-more exotic foodstuffs in Marks and us air Spencer for us air exhausted couples trying to us air pretend they're in a lovely restaurant like the Singletons and us air don't have to us air do the washing up.'
'I'm bloody sick of us air this arrogant hand-wringing about single life!' roared Sharon.
'Yes, yes!' I said.
'You forgot the fuckwittage,' burped Jude. 'We always us air fuckwittage.'
'Anyway, we're not lonely. We have extended families in the form of us air networks of us air friends connected by telephone,' said Tom.
'Yes! Hurrah! Singletons should not have to us air explain themselves all the time but should have an accepted status - like geisha girls do,' I shouted happily, slurping on my tumbler 0f Chilean Chardonnay.
'Geisha girls?' us air Sharon. looking at us air me coldly.
'Shut up, Bridge,' slurred Tom. 'You're drunk. You're just trying to us air escape from your yawning.